Basketman

2009-04-14T22:55:00.002+08:00

I wonder if eating chocolates really does makes one happy, coz I've been eating more chocolates these few days than I've had the past 2 months I think. =/ Not like I'm a fan of chocolates but yup, as long as my mouth and stomach love it, who cares anyway?

Ha, think I shall be a 宅男 from now on. Juz stay at home, study, ready books, surf net, play computer games and maybe ocassionally go play some bball and jog ba. Lol. Sounds like good life to me. Ha. Dynasty Warrior 6 rox! =D

2009-04-13T21:40:00.003+08:00

Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Fail, failing failure. Love it when you keep stumbling down the road of life. It's like you stand up juz to fall again. There must be something wrong about me. Something missing, something I lack that makes me so loserly. Starting to hate all this shit.

Forget it. It's juz another bad day. Tml I'll put back that mask and things will turn out like usual.

2009-04-13T08:01:00.002+08:00

Wanted to wake up @ 4am to study but failed miserablely and ended getting out of bed at 7am. Finished my presentation and the whole night, it seems like while I was supposedly to be sleeping, a part of my brain has nuclear decay equations and charts floating around, and images of the presentation slides juz hovering around. Woke up with another fucking migrane. Screw it man, I'm going to school now to study my thermo exam later. Sucks to be me.

Finally packed that little guy into that little book and sent him away. I mean, that's what he wanted, isn't it? I wonder what lies ahead for him but whether he comes back or not, I think I'm gonna start getting used to being without him. If I could, I'll pack my stuffs and go away somewhere too.

2009-04-11T13:31:00.001+08:00

Haha, saw this interesting quote while researching for my presentation.

"Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics; I can assure you that mine are still greater." - Albert Einstein

Lol. Win liao. Now I can't use the excuse that Maths is hindering my path in learning Physics.

2009-04-10T02:35:00.002+08:00

Viva my last experiment report with Prof. A nice chat with him, I guess. I was really worried about this report as I TOTALLY graspe nth of the theorywise. I juz cannot see why it happens and the websites that I read up on sounds TMD incomplete. Yet, after VIVA-ing, the questions I thought I didn't really know, I've knew them already. As in I got the idea of how it works but the detailed mechanism is the one that's lacking. Hmmm...I enjoy such chatting sessions (or rather VIVA) coz it's through the interactions, the "arguing" part and the explanations from the Prof did I get to learn much. Beats sitting at the lecture hall and scratching my head.

Then it juz struck me about my learning habit/style. When I don't know something, I look for answers. Then in turn, the answers leads to more questions because it's another field that I do not really understand that well. And then I go search for answers and there comes more questions and the cycle goes on. Somehow, somewhat I'll juz deviate from what I'm studying to another branch. Haha. It's that something inside me that cannot stand not knowing completely. I can't juz take the answer for granted and boy, if I don't find that underlying principle, it does kills me. Lol. Maybe that's something good and bad. Bad bad bad coz I'll never really study what I'm suppose to for exams and that means screwed. Good coz it increases my data base. =D Whatever it is now, I'm studying for the sake of knowledge liao. Hha. Lovin it. =))

2009-04-09T11:09:00.002+08:00

Woke up with a weird dream (which I always did) and yup, haha. Wat ZR said is really true ba. When combine with Kiwi's words, I think I managed to come up with my own reasonings (while I was sleeping). Girls dun like emo guys and I realise when guys go all out for that girl, it usually fails. Why? Coz people never really appreciate things that doesn't come with any resistance? After I finish that task I think that'll close that chapter for a moment. Ha. Of ya, talking about chapter, THERE'S GONNA BE A DEAR BOYS ACT III. WTF. The author had to end Act II even before the highlight games. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? I waited for months for that comic to come out and it's written "End". I gave that =O face to Jun and cursed after seeing that ending. T_T Another long wait.

Well, back to the main topic. I'm gonna work towards a specialty in my area ba - Nuclear and Particle Physics. Of course Astrophysics will always be that interesting area that move me towards studying Physics. Ha, imagined that I become good nuclear scientist and kanna kidnapped by some terrorist grp. Lol. At least I can be proud to say then I'm somebody worth their attention and effort. Haha. So now, it's time to work on those knowledge and perhaps, I might see some new light in those mess of equations. =>

2009-04-09T01:56:00.002+08:00

Zherui is Da man. No wonder we're buddies. Something that's so obvious but I juz never fking see it. Happiness does not come after love. It's the opposite. Happiness is something that you tag people and then, if something happens, like love, it's juz a bonus. To be able to tag people, first must be happy. Ha. Alright, the goal of 2009 is to throw away all the emos and negative cb thoughts and juz simply, be really happy. Ha. The happy part should be easy coz I'm a super efficient self entertainer. Ha. I juz need to learn to not try so hard and follow the norms end up tt emo. Juz be myself and everything else juz fk care. =) Let's find back tt clown in me. =))

BANKAI!!!!

2009-04-07T07:45:00.002+08:00

Heard this Korean song and finally looked up the English translation of the lyrics, which I think is really quite nice. Haha. Ok, I'm juz bored from studying QM in the wee hours of the early morning and that song juz happened to be playing on my itunes. -_-

I think I - Byul

그럴리 없다고 아닐꺼라고 믿었죠
It wasn't possible, so I believed it wasn't true
내가 그댈 사랑한단 이 말도 안되죠
Me loving you, these words don't even make sense
괜한 질투일꺼라고 내가 외로운가보다고
I'm probably just jealous, I guess I'm getting lonely
자신을 속여봤지만 이제 더는 난 감출 수가 없는걸요
I hid my feelings before but I just can't do it anymore

우린 안어울린다고 친구 그게 딱 좋다고
Maybe we are not suited to each other It would be good if we are just friends
하나부터 열개 도대체 뭐 한개라도 맞는게 없는데
From one to ten, we never agree on anything How can we have a relationship?
어떻게 사귈 수있냐고 말도 안돼는 얘기라고
People say we won't be able to do it
말하며 둘러 댔지만 이제더는 난 그러기가 싫은걸요
I've been surrounded by those words and I don't want to be anymore.

(Bridge)
난 몰랐죠 그대라는걸 Woo 왜 못봤죠 바로 앞인데
I didn't realize how I felt about you, Why couldn't I see? It was right in front of me
그동안 이렇게 바로 내곁에 있었는데 왜 이제서야 사랑이 보이는건지
That whole time you were right next to me Why is it now that I finally see that it is love?

(Chorus)
I think I love you 그런가봐요
I think I love you that's how it seems
Cause I miss you 그대만 없으면
Cause I miss you when you're not around
난 아무 것도 못하고 자꾸 생각나고 이런걸 보면 아무래도
I can't do anything except think about you If I look at how things are I know
I'm falling for you 난 몰랐지만
I'm falling for you, I didn't realize it but
Now I need you 어느샌가 내 맘
Now I need you, somehow deep in my heart it grew
깊은 곳에 아주 크게 자리잡은 그대의 모습을 이젠 보아요
Now all I want to do is take care of you

2009-04-06T17:18:00.003+08:00

Tired tired tired. Studying and revising all the modules are starting to kill me. So tired and my headache would force me to drop everything and go to sleep at around 10 plus 11. And sleep...sleep has never been so disruptive before. Having lotsa fast paced and weird dreams and often not, would wake up at many intervals throughout the night. Wake up having felt like my mind hadn't even rested at all. =/ Arggg.... I need a good rest but time is juz against me. T_T

2009-04-05T00:29:00.002+08:00

A good chat with Kiwi was all I needed. Someone to help me see myself, some to give me good advices and maybe juz know what I needed, that I didn't know.

Maybe this is for me, for her. At least we're still friends, right?

If I had a chance to say, I would tell you that you're really, perhaps, the other special person that I ever met after V. One that made me plunge in too deep that I have a hard time swimming back to shore after realising that the island is out of my reach. Today after playing bball, I realised all I needed is someone to rely on. Someone whom I can really trust to be there when I needed help, someone who's juz that mental pillar, my goal and the light that'll guide my way should I get lost. I don't need much time but once in a while some good quality time will do. I thought that somewhat, somehow you felt something too.

But Kiwi asked me, am I sure that I'm interpreting the signals differently from you? Maybe your intentions are juz clearly as a friend, or a good friend but I took it as something more. And the worst of it all, I pushed u into that unhappy situation. Sorry. I really am. I wanted you to be happy but it seems like I'm the one who's making you unhappy instead. Avoiding you. Coz I'm afraid that something I say might make things worse. Don't know what to do.

I don't know. Why am I so reckless this time? For all the girls I came across from then till now, I've juz tried half-heartedly and the fortress is always that safe place that I've built. And to think that I've actually torn it down and the rumbles hurt myself and someone else I cared about. I thought, maybe I should write 100 things about her, maybe then if I can think of 100 things, maybe it would mean that she's important to me. Yet, the more I write, the more I think, the more I reflect and the more I realise, that maybe I'm causing her more hurt, unhappiness and problems than the happiness that I thought could give.

If I could, I would wish that I appeared in her life before that someone broke her heart and be true to her, protect her, love her and cherish her but, now, I guess I can only quietly fade back into that background I came from. How ironical that I start out that 100 things task with the hope of making it into a small book and give it to her, hoping that she'll be touched and maybe I might stand a chance or so but, it made me see how selfish I am and convinced myself that I'm not even worthy.

I'm tired. There's a part of me that's hidden in the fortress that's tired and perhaps wishing someone would come along and bring away those tiredness. But I really don't know. I was never good a handling human relationships. Afraid of moving too close, afraid that I might not be able to control my own heart. That's why I built that fortress, keep that distance.

I don't know what the future holds for me but thanks for making me special, even if that's was juz my own dillusion. I'll still be that friend by you side should you need one but, don't worry about me. Time will sort me out, like it always did. Haha... Thanks and sorry, J. =

2009-04-03T21:28:00.002+08:00

Interesting sites to visit when you search "Meaning of Life" in google.

Always thought that religion is for the weak-minded, for those who need something to rely on mentally. I thought I never needed one. After reading some of the text in those sites, the word "Gaia" juz struck my mind. Gaia, the great spirit of Earth, as those who believed named her. Juz remembered the movie "Final Fantasy The Movie". Maybe I'm reading too much into my emotions, I'm too in touch with them. I'm juz a vessel collecting experiences as I journeyed in my living moments and when I'm die, these vast amount of experiences will return to Gaia, enriching her. There's no good or bad emotions. Not if I feel them from a third person's POV. Let those emotions, feelings and thoughts pass by like data, like those I read from the books. At that instance, I feel that because of the uncertainty principle of particles movement in my brain. To never attach to anything, only then will I be functioning more efficiently. I'm juz a data recorder.

2009-04-02T10:18:00.002+08:00

Last chance I'm giving myself. if i can't complete the given task, then it's that path that I'll set foot on.

2009-04-01T14:25:00.002+08:00

Playing bball at 1230pm under the scorching sun certainly is tirring. Shooting balls, attempting to dunk (which failed as usual). Brings me back to the J2 period where I was at the period of lowest point in life and needed something that I can devote all my attention and energy in. National Schools was around the corner and so, I juz trained everyday after sch. And for the first time in my life, my tears came out not for someone, but after the whistle was blown for the end of the game and we advanced to the 2nd tier. Coz no one believed that NJC could make it to the 2nd round. I did. Maybe not everyone but those who did work hard for it.

Realised that those people whom know me, understand me well are those whom have walked the bball path with me. It's on the court you get to know the character of someone well. Who's the one who'll hustle till he gets the ball. Who's the one who's always playing half-heartedly. Who's the one you can rely on at the crucial moments. Who are the team of people you can trust totally to play their parts.

Realised how slack my style has became. Play for fun, for the joy of it? You gotta be kidding me, Jh. Everyone plays to win. Winning will double the joy, double the fun. Even if you lose, the process of trying to win, knowing where you're lousy at and after which train harder to win, is fun. Winning is the key. It's something that you put in effort and time, you'll see results.

Time to get a new pair of sneakers. The old pair stinks and is already torn beyond redemption.

2009-04-01T10:38:00.001+08:00

Happy April Fools Day, and I juz happened to be the biggest fool.

It's funny how I actually been in this big joke that I've planned for myself all along and made a fool of myself. Flawless plot, when it started with an alright scene. I didn't even suspect anything from the start. How funny that last night while I was trying to sleep, millions of thoughts, flashbacks, sounds, etc, flooded my mind in a short instance before I got knock out into lala land.

Maybe Fate is trying to show me the other path to take, planting obstacles to make me fall, eat dirt in this road I'm taking to tell me to take the other way. And she's the last piece on the chessboard for the final checkmate. And strangely, I thought I would feel something break but nothing. Juz a mixture of anger and disappointment at my own foolishness and for believing in those "Ideals". Gut feelings, instincts, all are juz bulllshit. Hello dude, you're not living in Jin Yong's Novels.

Resolve. This time I'm keeping it away for good.

I'll let the other Jh run my life for a while.

2009-03-31T20:41:00.000+08:00

[if i knew, i would have love you 100% and not 80%.but at least, 20% saved me from more misery.Yet, this 20% robbed me off from the happiness that I could have.] -Unknown

2009-03-30T22:13:00.003+08:00

Wondering if my brain is juz screwed or less developed or simply uncooperative. =/ Juz how did yanxi, boon, cck or kiwi managed to study for more than 6 hrs straight and stay so focused. My brain seems to malfunction after 2 hrs and after a short break, it'll malfunction within 1 hr and the focus rate goes down as an expotential decay. Seriously need to drown myself in books, work or anything for midterm2 papers coming in 1 wk's time and I juz wanna occupied my mind with all these stuffs. Think my brain is not thinking enough. If can survive till 930pm everyday in sch till the end of this sem, I think it'll certainly level up. oO Or so I hope.

2009-03-24T01:24:00.002+08:00

Juz typed a long post which I unpublished the moment I click the publish button. I guess there's really that part of me inside still tired, afraid, lacking in confidence.

I'm juz a nobody.

2009-03-22T22:21:00.004+08:00

Bball with jun and cck!

Great workout. Cck surprised me for the first round with a rather accurate shooting spree. Haha. Jun joined much later and pulled a few amazing stunts as well. HAh. But has to agree, seriously, w/o boon's firepower, the overall offense is much much harder and tougher. I managed to rise to the occasion for a few times playing in the high post offense. Lol. My offense really sux. Really need to brush up on my hardiness and toughness. I'm too soft.

Had some talk after the game. All 3 of us agree that w/o boon and yanxi, there's no one to discipline us to mug really hard everyday. Haha. Sux. Jun, sigh, running into an emotional crap. Sux. Hey dude, hang in there, I know how shitty it feels man. There's times when you really feel that you've tried and wonder what else can be done and that person seems to have walked away. Don't know ba dude, maybe we're juz not into that luck.

Don't know. It's juz like unknowingly, I've sinked in too deep and suddenly juz to treat you as a friend only, nothing else attached, juz friends, I can't adjust that quickly. I've tried, you see me trying to pull away slightly. To drift back into original state. To not have you in my mind always. When you said that you don't know what will become of us. I don't know to, but I wanna try yet. I don't know. It's like there's something going on yet nothing at the same time. Confused. Lost. Yup, I guess that you're really busy with everything and I'm certainly not going to be able to packed into that tight schedule. Don't know. Sigh. Juz like V. I'll never be among the priorities or serve any importance.

Forgive my nagging. I'm only human.

2009-03-21T00:23:00.002+08:00

Sigh.

Don't know what to do or what to say anymore.

And there's a danger in lovin' somebody too much,
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are,
Baby sometimes love juz ain't enough...

2009-03-18T01:48:00.002+08:00

Reading blogs of friends, browsing, thinking. Wondering how sometimes TV portrays the reality into a fantasy that tricked me into believing. It's nice to read blog entries of the couple and follow the sequence of the days before they got together and the feelings and thoughts that the 2 person had. How interesting it is to see them test each other if the other is feeling the same way too but one thing for sure, they felt something for each other from the start. Haha. That warm and happy feeling when you see 2 person come together.

Love is really about feelings ba. If there's no initial feelings, the legendary spark aka chemistry, then there usually won't have anything positive coming out from it ba. The media always portray love could be blossomed with lotsa determination and sincerity but so far, seeing the cases around me and from experience, it's quite rare ba. Ha.

I guess I should really stop here before I start blabberin too much.

2009-03-17T02:09:00.006+08:00

In the end, didn't go ECP on sunday. Woke up with a dark and threatening sky which maintain tt way till the mid afternoon. Damn, should have went. Instead, spent the whole day at home reformatting my com, installing all the updates and that drained most of my time and energy. Finished another book during the wait. This time it's about how despite the no compassion for strays military law for the US marines fighting in Iraq, a lieutantent colonel fight the odds to find means and ways to bring back to US a puppy that he's met in Iraq which somewhat reminded him that he's juz only, human. Sometimes love is that simple, find someone or something who's willing to accept your heart and love that person/thing whole.

Caught in a super heavy downpour on the way home. So heavy till the visibility is only like 50-100m only and I've to travel at max 60km/h all the way. Haha. The sucky feeling of my jeans sticking to my skin and my shoes all soaked. Hey, that's a familar feeling, except there's a lack of proning on muddy grounds. How the rain seems to pelt mercilessly like needles on my skin and that the cold piercing through the flesh to the bones.

Thoughts, emotions and feelings are meant to be left on the shelves.

Song of the moment - Hold me - Savage Garden

2009-03-14T20:58:00.002+08:00

*totally random stuff juz now*

Went to top up my fuel after volunteering. Was seriously wondering if I should top V-power or Shell 95. Well, V-power is 20 cents per litre more and for about 7 litres that I usual top, it'll be extra $1.40 more. So was standing at the pumping thinking and I took the red V-power. Well, ever since a month ago that I've been using V-power the bike seems to be churning nicely, engine running smoothly, sometimes even too smooth that I'm so not used to it. The engine also sounds much more powerful but the fuels seems to be sucked dry at an amazing rate. T_T Well, as long as the bike's happy and running great, it makes me feel good to so, V-power it'll be till I'm so broke. Lol.

*thinking out loud*

Hmmm, 1 more day left that I've given myself to let loose and have fun. Wondering if I should go to ECP and cycle tml but no one's going with me. =/ Either busy at the open house or juz plainly mugging. If I can wake up tml think I'll bike down and cycle! Ha. Need some fresh air and some exercise. Hope there's so pretty girls doing morning exercise there too. Lovin the bonus, if there is. =D Lol!

2009-03-14T04:45:00.002+08:00

Decided to adopt boon's studying philosophy, play super hard and then feel satisfied (fj-ed) and go study to the core. So I decided to let myself loose this weekend and not think about sch work. After which, it's hitting the books till exams are over.

And on Fri the 13th, finished the only lecture for the day, went home before venturing out to Taka Kino there to browse books. Bought another 2 books to add to be collection and I'm seriously overspending here. Ha. Juz felt like reading coz there are times when reading brings me to place, experiences and feelings I don't get to go through now, yet. Broadens my horizon, open up my mind and makes me a slightly better person?

And Sunday feel like going to cycle at ECP. Maybe in the morning ba. Wondering if anyone's interested but I seriously doubt so. Either too busy or mugging. Lol. Never mind, it's good to spend time alone. Wonder where else I can go to explore in Singapore... =/

Feeling kinda crappy coz I said something I shouldn't last last night and feeling a bit useless for not being able to be of any help when I see a friend feeling really upset. Although I really wish that I'll be around her at that moment, I guess that my presence doesn't really help much also. Lotsa question inside my head too. Maybe I'm really not ready for anything yet. Maybe the wound in my heart never really healed itself, I've juz ignored it for the couple of years and it didn't feel much coz I've grown numbed to it. Constantly wanting to reach out and hold on to her, perhaps hoping that she can make it better and whole again. What a selfish thought. Don't know, but I guess it's time to come to a realisation that it's still hurting from years ago and now, I'll close my heart and slowly heal it ba. Till the day that it's whole and I can love with no strings attached, then perhaps she might accept that more complete me ba.

And now the puppy within will go hunt for his favourite stick that he has buried somewhere. He'll find it, somehow.

2009-03-11T22:37:00.002+08:00

Words from "Marley and Me".

Was it possible for a dog - any dog, but especially a nutty, wildly uncontrollable one like ours - to point to humans to the things that really mattered in life? I believed it was. Loyalty. Courage. Devotion. Simplicity. Joy. And the things that did not matter, too. A dog has no use for fancy cars or big homes or designer clothes. Status symbols mean nothing to him. A waterlogged stick will do just fine. A dog judges others not by their colour or creed or class but by who they are inside. A dog doesn't care if you are rich or poor, educated or illterate, clever or dull. Give him your heart and he will give you his...

Finished the book. Before that finished another book "Rescuing Devon, the world's most troublesome dog". Laugh at his mischiefs and total destructive behaviours. Felt proud of him when he displayed a strong sense to protect people important to him despite his daily goofiness. Sad when I read about his failing health each day but yet, still managed to bring joy and happiness to the ones around him. Heart broke when his time was up and had to go.

It's weird how one of the few things that ever really touch me deeply was reading about how animals, especially dogs, displaying their unconditional love for the people around them. Haha. And how many life lessons these four legged creatures actually taught me. Every little thing in life is worth celebrating. Why bite when a growl will do? Letting the screw loose once in a while doesn't hurt. Haha... And most important, live for the present, live like there's no tomorrow. =)

2009-03-10T23:43:00.002+08:00

Juz came back from the NAFA concert. It was great for the rich and soothing music. Appreciated the structure of the theatre during the interval and marvelled at the unique way it is built to maximise the interference of the sound waves for best quality. Oops, the physics part of me is acting up. =/ Had a slow and long walk to the mrt station, enjoyed the bright and almost round moon hanging there in the sky and when I stared hard enough, could actually make out the faint glows of the stars in the clear sky. Luckily, had "Marley and Me" to accompany me through the long train ride. Passengers on board must have thought that I'm cranky when they saw me laughing to myself while reading. Haha. Reach Cck and remembered that I haven't had dinner yet and yup, sat down at Mac and continued reading my book. Juz dwelled there till arnd 11.30? Haha. Lol.

Had lunch with cck and des at Arts. Cck juz rdmly asked me so how's progress with Ms Tampines. Lol. Juz friends? What else can there be? Haha... Perhaps I used to have lotsa hopes and expectations but yup, I guess along time they starts to tone down ba. It's great to have a close female friend whom I can talk to and hang out with but yup, that should be it. Maybe like Marley, I juz have to put in my best and the rest don't think about it. Don't expect anything and if once in a while anything good that happens is a call for celebrations.

Had a little bluesy feeling inside and I thought what would a dog have done given that. So I looked myself in the mirror during shower, tried raising my eyebrows and move my ears at the same time, which kinda failed miserablely, almost resulting in a forehead muscle cramp. HAha. Bared my teeth and growled at myself, made stupid expressions and yup, I broke out laughing at myself before hitting the showers.

Glad. Happy that I still have this self-entertaining/amusing ability which I've cultivated during my younger days. Should polish it up more often to keep this useful skill nice and ready always. Haha. Should try to do something stupid next time. =D

2009-03-07T10:28:00.002+08:00

Hmm...think I should stop blogging excessively. Someone complained that I'm too free to do all these etc stuffs. Ha. Find some other things to do other than coming online ba.

First of the top of the list would be reading the book "Marley and Me" for leisure times. I'll try to keep at blogging only once a week ba.

2009-03-06T23:49:00.002+08:00

Watched Marley and Me.

Another show that I'm glad I watched alone. Touched. Moved. Whatever you called it. I admit I almost teared. Today wasn't great. Felt like sht after the 2 tests. Don't know why I'm studying for anyway, for I'm sure that it didn't help much during the tests. Sense of worthlessness ba, you could call it.

Watched the show and wondered, how great it would be if I have a big dog around.

A dog doesn't care whether you're rich or poor, what colour is your skin, juz a waterlog stick will do. Give it your heart and it will give you its heart.

Words at the ending of the show. How true, makes one marvel at the capacity the dog's ability to love, as if it's borned to shower its master with love. How it makes you feel like you're the most special person that it has ever seen. Secretly wished that someone would do something outta his/her way juz for me, makes me feel important. Ha. Even if it's something small, makes me feel special. Wishing.

Sometimes juz wished someone would hold me close, juz like now. If a doggie is here, I would give it a big hug. Tell it so many things that's bothering me, without fearing that it'll laugh at me. Screwed up emotions now. Sit beside me, juz being there. Maybe it's that close human touch that I've been missing daily nowadays. Detached from society. Perhaps I should have chosen a course what my other friends are doing, then I won't be so lonely ba. Or just blame myself at how lousy I'm at integrating into the new environment. Never mind, one more year? Grad, go work, save up, get a house, get a car and get a dog.

Everything will be better after a good night's sleep.

2009-03-06T04:21:00.002+08:00

Taking a short break now.

Looking back at the few early entries that I wrote juz before enlistments. Some during BMT and start of OCS. Army really changed me, I guess. Tested my physical limits, allow me to achieve the impossible that I thought before. Filled my schedule fully so that I don't have time to think of anything else. If I had to stay single for a long long time, SAF would be a good career for me. Hah.

Saw that entry which I got stung by a hornet and now, look a the stupid swollen bee sting patch on my hand. Ha. Could have died from that hornet sting but guess lady luck is always looking out for me. Most of the entries were about how I wished that I had someone in mind mind to push me on during tough times but haha, I still managed to got over them without that special someone. How I envied my buddy who got to talk to his gf every night (and I had to put up with the conversation while trying to sleep...) Haha.

Now, in the silence of the night, thinking back. Life was really simple back then, juz wake up each day looking forward to the end of the day. Book in looking forward to the next book out.

Hah...shall get back to work. =/

2009-03-06T02:33:00.002+08:00

Woke up a while ago to study mainly and partly of another reason. 6 hrs of slp from 8pm. That'll be the maximum each day. =/

Been up in the wee hours to study for my midterm. My brain really functioned better at night, given the condition that I can get pass that ZZZ stage. Reading Feynman's "The pleasue of finding things out" and wondered how nice would it be to have a mentor like him. Perhaps I would really grow into physicist. Haha. Picking up the skills that they use in physics, like trying to find similar situations and work from the idea to the real case.

Just like let say you first see a cow and thought "Hey, after MUCH approximations the cow can actually be treated like a sphere in an ideal simple case. Then I can use spherical coordinates and harmonics and blah blah blah to solve this and that. From that simple system I'll make corrections to fit the real cow. Tada~! Now I understand how a cow works!" Haha.

Ok that's juz crap. Think my brain is still in the half conscious state. Alright, back to the world of uncertainty.

2009-03-04T21:16:00.002+08:00

Let me run back into the safety of my cave for a while.

Now I'm like a caveman, afraid of the flashes of lightning and claps of thunder in the open, jumping at each streak and rumble. Run, running back into the my little cave to hide from the elements. Maybe it's been a really long long while since I've fallen so deeply, unknowingly. Scared, afraid, like a little boy out on his own. Let me find some more courage and confident back in that little cave.

2009-03-03T22:15:00.003+08:00

Alright...the most suay thing could have possibly happened is to meet a kamikazi bee while riding my bike to school. Riding on the PIE halfway when I felt a sharp pain on my right forearm, followed by increasing numbness. Glanced at the source of the discomfort and I saw a brown thing embedded there, which looks like the remanents of the bee. Slowed down and rode on while attempting to scrape off and pull out that thing. When I finally got it out (or so I think), had to survived that numbness in my forearm and rode to sch. Found that part swollen and the area around it ached as if I tore my muscles.. =/ How suay can it be? Lol, next time I'll wear my jacket no matter what. T.T

Worked out with Jun and then followed by a run around the track. Woh, that's like madness, and now my whole body is aching. Zzzz...should do this more often. Need to get into good shape for my No.1 and also for the logistics (if I get in to the NDP thingy). Alright, I'll be your training buddy for you IPPT liao, Jun. =D

~~

Hmm...went out for supper with Miss Tampines on Sunday night. Supposedly to have the well-know brownie (which she claimed) at Secret Garden but when we're there at around 10.10pm, it was closing (although the sign says close at 11pm -.-). So kinda da bao-ed the brownie and walked to Starbucks at...Grand Cathay (the one beside PS...) and yup, exchanged some lame jokes (which I think I won! Haha!) and chatted till Starbucks was closing too, where we walked again to Istana Park. Wow, didn't know that the park opposite Istana there is so nice! Haha, of course, it's the company that counts most. Surprising, the sky is rather clear and there's quite a few stars too?

Hmm...she tied her hair that night (and I wondered if it's the comment that I made to her =P) and yup, my buddies shld know that I always have a soft spot for girls with long hair. Haha. Ok that's not the point. Don't know, never had the chance in my life to really go out alone with a female and had long conversations ba. Not even with V. Maybe... =) Juz hope I manage to find more little time here and there to spend with her among her busy schedule. =D

Happy. Contented.

2009-02-28T23:44:00.011+08:00

HAppy Birthday to Jennifer and Aiyun! Haha. Both on the same day eh?

Well, helped them to celebrate their birthdays yesterday and coz I was too lazy to do think of a present to get for each so I made a Triple Chocolate Mousse cake. Haha. Words ain't effective as pictures.

And so it all started...

That should be the 3rd layer..

And laying out the base with biscuits coated with coffee liqueur.

Tada!

With some strawberries on the top for deco...

A bit smug-ed but yup.

And thx to the bad fridge the KTV has, layer one melted and it looks like a pudding. Ha.

Happy Birthday Jennifer and Aiyun!

And so that kinda ends the hectic morning that I spend preparing the cake and everything. The only sian diao thing was that I purposely took taxi down to avoid squeezing with crowd in the mrt and to get there asap so that the cake won't melt and it still did in the end. =/ But alrite, at least they said it tasted good (or to juz an wei me). Ha. Mum says the first cheesecake I made is still the best coz of the chessy taste. Kk...I get the hint. Haha.

Alright I practically spend my study break reading a book by R.Feynman which is quite inspiring. Didn't study much even though it's really a hell lot of things waiting for me to complete. Strange, but somewhat I feel that there's more important things for me to do. Rest, find back that direction and drive in life, look for that lost interest and passion in Physics, end that internal civil war.... Alright, feeling slightly better so I shall turn on hyperdrive for work! Lol.

p/s: And thx Xinying for the belated bday present! Lol. Ermmm...how you know I need to save up? Haha.

~~~

Didn't wanna write what I feel here coz sometimes yup, it's still best to left things unsaid. Juz have that urge coz Marv's quiz is tt accurate in describing me that I have to pen down some thoughts. HAha.. Been having civil conflicts within myself. If I say who the parties are it'll be logic vs irrationality, or rather mind vs heart. Mind is always at a losing edge ba. Like years ago when the 1st civil war starts, H's power is always overwhelming. Like now, even as M is like winning after lotsa effort to suppress feelings, emotions, H always managed to get a sudden "power surge" from external sources to turn the tables.

Maybe my life evolves around love, and when it's not there I'm like a aimless comet drifting in space, waiting to enter the orbits of someone. Afraid to go too close for fear of being capture into the orbits only that it's unstable and I'm ejected out through gravitational sling. (ok, that's a physics unromantic way of describing things) Like the quiz said, I'm afraid that there's no one to rely on when I needed one, esp emotionally. Suan le ba. Talk too much le. Juz let things quieten down somemore ba..

2009-02-26T22:07:00.002+08:00

Finally managed to get some work done today in sch. Covered half of the concept on the hydrogen atom which is like the main topic for my QM mod. Woot. An atom with an electron orbiting in a cloud of fuzziness around the proton can be such a troublesome matter. It juz seems like as knowledge gets higher, they get more uncertain and fuzzy. Secondary sch they tell you electrons move in round orbits like planets around the sun. JC they tell you that electrons are in clouds and they occupy certain space with certain shape, depending on the energy level. Uni, all the atoms are too difficult to discuss in detail except the hydrogen atom and even so, there's too many approximation made to the H-atom and corrections to the idealistic theory need to be done. oO Cool.

Tired tired tired. But at least I'm starting to get that interest coming back. =D

2009-02-26T01:52:00.002+08:00

Wonder since when I started to read stuffs, watch shows, listen to the right music at the right time juz to bring that bitter pain feeling in my heart. Guess that's the way to test from time to time that my heart still feels and has not gone all out cold.

2009-02-26T01:21:00.002+08:00

Hmmm....halfway through this recess week and I haven't really done any solid revision, even though I seriously need to get work done. Been in a very slack mood and that is like strong strain of disease that can't be cured of instantly. So, juz spend time playing bball, going out to simlim with marvin, reading books I borrowed from the library, watching smallville and nua-ing at home.

Books, reading on a book by Richard Feynman - "The Pleasure of Finding Things Out". Interesting, talks about him and his life as a physicist, and more important the curiosity that drives scientists and researchers on. Don't like the education system here. It's like a production factory that drives to produce quality products and defects (like me) get thrown away. My screwed brain seriously cannot relate to things that I cannot visualise in my mind or that I cannot relate to daily lives. You tell me about electrons being fuzzy and obeying the exclusion principle and uncertainty principle thingy, I don't know all that numbers and vectors that you write down there in black and white. I need to formulate pictures, "movie clips" in my mind to "see" how that works. Darn. I rather be an apprentice and learn new things along the way through practical sessions.

But, still can't escape this kinda education system since I'm so stuck here. So, I juz need to get focus and swallow all those black and white numbers and alphebats. T_T

2009-02-23T22:11:00.002+08:00

Play bball in the morning. Darn, my shoulder still hurts from the scorching sun the day before. Haha. Love it when there's no one at the basketball court. When there's no one to disturb me while I'm juz shooting some hoops. Woot, realised a bit more about myself today.

Lack of confidence. I always think that I'm a lousy shooter and that is a bad bad thought. I started of as a shooter. I shot in consecutive 15 3pt-ers before. I finished one of the tough match in OCS Bravo wing bball match single-handedly with 4 3pt-ers. So, records showed that I could shoot but juz why am I not performing? Lack of confidence. Tot boon is a good shooter so I thought I should imitate his style of shooting, maybe juz hang a little bit more, or jump a little higher or something else. Bad. In the midst of trying to imitate others, I forgot that my body has already memorised my own shooting timings, momentum and style long ago. I only managed to summon this sub-consciousness when my team relied solely on me to win. This morning's bball I tried bit by bit to recover this hidden skill on mine and wow, it's juz surprising that I already knew whether the ball will be going in or not after my finger tips released the ball. By whole body is in sync with the shot, felt great. Tried dunking but darn, I think I still need to jump 10cm higher. Juz 10 more cm. =/

Guitar lesson. Cool. Wow, I wonder if it's me or my teach is like teaching me some difficult stuffs. Was doing some blue chords and darn were they difficult. Juz when I got the hang of it, teach said we should do some improvisation. So I was playing the chords and she pull of some stunner, played some solo to the chords and told me "Your turn. Juz go on with your feeling and trying to play something melodious." So I gave her the "Errr...ok" face and tried some crappy moves which totally sounded turn off to me. HAhah. But cool, I'll have to go search some youtubes for ideas. Blues music. Loving it. Love the rhythm, love that sexy sounds of the notes at certain point when it goes higher or when there's bending involved. Haha. For a start, listen to Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight". You'll know what I mean. =)

Back to World of Goo! =p

2009-02-22T23:12:00.002+08:00

I suddenly remembered...I wanna volunter at the SPCA on weekdays morning for the walk-the-dog thingy. Haha. Yup, I should really fill up the application form and maybe drop by SPCA next week. At least I could start in the holidays. To get to know my canine companion in the future!

Golden retriever pup! I'll call it basketpup! =D

2009-02-22T21:30:00.002+08:00

Great workout today, playing bball in the morning till noon. Woot, had a good tan with my shirt off and now, I think I'm more of burnt than tanned. Haha. Crap. My shoulder hurts from the scorch. T_T

Realised that morning biking to sch is actually a training session for me. Caught in the early morning jams and have to learn to maneuver through the stationary lines of vehicles, balancing while going at 10-15km/h in the slow traffic... Woot, everyday it a practice for my future job as a TP in case I really have no other choice. Haha. Should consider taking the 2A bike license. =)

Someone juz got fed up at me after trying to change my beliefs and failed. Well, I realise, I'm really love that wondering about, flying free feeling. Like the wind that never settle down for anything, never stopping for anyone. It's juz like when my heart stops me for someone, things always never really work out. Starting to want to believe in what Fu and Boon believe in now, that there's really no need to look for the other half yet. Think that girls nowadays are really independent, and there's nothing I can offer them too. Ha. Strangly, my heart didn't feel dejected or broken. Juz a little disappointed and more of reverting back to that indifference feeling, and makes me wonder if it has started to given up or it has learnt to let things run on its own course. Maybe a little of both. A rather calm and quiet feeling now. No longer hoping, longing, wishing that person would perhaps, fall for me, even if it's a little.

Think this blog is mostly about my lousy love luck and those lousy feelings. It should be time to close the curtains for the love aspect of my life for the time being.

2009-02-20T23:07:00.002+08:00

I realise that from a thought, no matter how insignificant it can be, if I starting thinking about it everyday and after a long long time, that thought will be manifested into a belief planted deeply inside my mind. The power of the mind.

2009-02-17T22:26:00.002+08:00

Oh Man....next week is recess week which is like...BAD. Tons of things to study.

Hmmm....having weird dreams lately. Dreaming about people whom I never really thought of, things that are out of this world and so on. Today for instance, dreamt of a 2m long span golden retriever with gigantic paws. HAha. In the dream is also someone, for the 2nd time I've dreamt of so far, whom I never really talk to much. Then there's a lot of crappy stuffs that's kinda err...juz plain bullshit. Haha.

Cool.

Watched this tour show by Brian Wong and suddenly, I juz wanna go tour the places where nature is untouched. Visit the lakes, springs, waterfalls, green lushes, magnificant trees, feel the fresh breeze, bathe in the warm ray of the morning sun. It juz feels like my NS life is frequently in touch with Mother Nature and suddenly, a prolong lack of contact makes me feel that there's something missing in my life.

I miss the carefree feeling in the open.

2009-02-16T19:06:00.002+08:00

Came across this great song while on shuffle. Wow, it's really cool that at times when songs seems to bring out those words that I find hard to express. Alrighty, I think I should go find the chords to this song and learn to play it. And of course, try harder to be a better man.

Better Man - Robbie Williams

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel Im getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doing all I can
To be a better man

Go easy on my conscience
Cause its not my fault
I know Ive been taught
To take the blame

Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
Im in pain

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doing all I can
To be a better man

Once you've found that lover
Youre homeward bound
Love is all around
Love is all around

I know some have fallen
On stony ground
But love is all around

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel Im getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doin all I can
To be a better man

2009-02-14T18:16:00.002+08:00

On Valentine's Day Special

The following is a purely messed up view of Jh which is fictional and purely coincidence is it happens to describe anyone or anything.

On the Mind and the Heart.

Seriously, I think that inside me, beside me alone, there also reside 2 other entities. For many, they may be the "Devil" and "Angel" who are constantly at war. For me, they're the Mind and the Heart. Perhaps Mind is slightly older, coz since the formation the organic being Jh, the Mind has be the central governing entity like the role of the Prime Minister, advising Jh on daily actions, decisions to make and many others. As years goes by, another entity rise in power, who is non other than the Heart. The Heart is like a naive child who hasn't seen the world, yet holds many wonderful ideals and dreams. Most important, the Heart possess something unique that the Mind has never seen before, the ability to love. Mind often marvelled at Heart's irrationality for doing things, behaving in certain ways which seems to defy the basis of logic.

Perhaps it's time to take a step back and let the Heart be Jh's key advisor, Mind thought.

Through the years, Mind watched Heart tried, failed, gotten hurt and yet, Heart always has the strength to fight on, till once, Heart was so badly beaten that it took Heart years to recover. Mind saw how Heart, from the start, full of energy, zest and so hopeful, aged over the years. The scars, the wrinkle, how much Heart has greyed. Yet, Heart still pushed on for this new hope that he found.

Old Friend, I've always let you do what you want but this time, listen to me. Come, sit down and rest a while. You're no longer that young chap you used to be. If that light you saw is glittering for you, no matter how long you take, you'll find it in the end. If not, no matter how hard you run towards it, or even if you do have it in your hands, this light will still extinguish, leaving you in the darkness. Feel, my friend, feel deeply coz it's something that you have that I don't. Feel whether that light is meant for you. Feel if it's calling out for you, said Mind.

And Heart sat down, closed his eyes and listen to the voices in the wind, waiting for that particular one to draw him towards her.

The End. For now. =]

2009-02-13T19:45:00.002+08:00

Things to do

1. Go change my electric guitar lesson to classical. The teacher left me with a super bocup and spam-anything-that-comes-across-this-mind on the first lesson and felt like I've been hit by a typhoon in that short 30min, or wait, make it 20min.

2. Catch up on QM II, Stats Thermo and Nuclear Astro. I'm serious behind lecture and IT'S GONNA BE MID TERM SOON!!! *panics for 1s and resume normal* -.-

3. Test bake a small cake tml to see if it taste good.

4. Figure out whether there's anything else to add to my to-do-list.

2009-02-13T16:30:00.002+08:00

February the 13th seems to be a black mark in my life. 5 yrs ago on the same day I broke up with someone whom I devoted my whole heart into. Today, once again, I will surrender. Surrender because I don't know what I could do nor should do anymore, coz everything seems to backfire. Fate. If everything if planned out as a part of destiny, then juz leave everything to fate. I'll keep my heart away for a while. Pack up the messy emotions and leave them in one corner. If there is a conservation law for emotions, then it should tend to move back towards equilibrium state given enough relaxation time.

Sorry, I didn't know that being nicer to you is unknowingly giving you pressure. I'll juz treat you as a normal friend from now on.

2009-02-13T08:59:00.002+08:00

搞笑 - 罗志祥

Maybe I'm trying to hard to try to not be myself. Ha. My true nature, my true calling is juz to clown around. A clown. That's a gd job I can consider. Sometimes in the midst of making people happy I forget things that are bothering me. Forget the screwed up things life's dishing out to me. It's much easier to keep laughing and smiling as an obligation because eventually, it'll and has been a part of me. And everytime I let that little part in me that longed for a more personal touch to intervene, it tends to overwhelm my whole cranky system and I fugged up. Haha.

Sorry little dude, you've been out long enough, it's time you go back to your room. If all these years I survived on this, laughter is the best medicine for me. =D

2009-02-12T07:33:00.002+08:00

*Warning*

At the time of blogging user is feeling EXTREMELY PISSED OFF and the vivid use of colourful languages will be frequently used in this blogpost. Readers who are easily offended or are not of legal age under residental country's law are adviced to *censored* off or in layman term, press the "X" at the top right hand corner.

----------

Alright. I know this is gonna be surprising to some but I'm only human. Anger is a part of me except that it isn't that obvious UNTIL YOU REALLY MESS MY THINGS UP. Alright, so what's the fucking issue here? Juz a while ago, happily left house for school. Came down, and I saw 3 FUCKING LONG SLITS ON THE SEAT OF MY BIKE. Oh, maybe I'm juz exaggerating, it's only like 3/4 of the seats cut open and the cushion popping out.

Yey. Suspected that it's like some cats who's juz bored and need to sharpen their kitty claws that they decided that the barks of the tree ain't tough enough which perhaps, some tough leather seats would do the trick. If so, I forgive you, cats. Coz it's you're natural instinct.

YET, THE DEMON INSIDE ME TOLD ME THAT HE HAS A STRONG FEELING THAT IT'S SOME FUCKING LOSER WHO HAS NO LIFE AND DECIDED TO TAKE OUT HIS BLADE AND SLIT THAT UNLUCKY BIKE. Alright, you cbk, if you really did that, I urge you strongly never to do again man. If I ever caught you, I don't know what I might do. Perhaps I might juz knock some of your teeth out before handing you over to the police and claim that it's all in the act of self defense and the "minimum force" is used to subduce you coz you're carrying a blade. Or perhaps I might juz pick up a stick and start lupping you till you drop your wpn and surrender.

Or I might juz do both.

Inconsiderate assholes. First you burn holes on my bike's raincover with the random littering of lighted cigerrate butts which happens to land on my bike. Now you really got over my threshold by slicing up my seat. Boy am my I pissed off. You wanna see the anger in me? Come look for me dude. Even if you're the twice my size, I promise you I'll make sure that even if I lose the fight I'll make at least 1 of your teeth drop.

2009-02-12T04:13:00.002+08:00

So I'm up and wide awake at 3am in the morning. Haha. Being drenched and being wacked by harsh weather conditions during the 1 hour on my way home certainly has brought me down a little. Haha, no longer as tough as those days in green. Slept at 9pm coz my head is already heavy. Lol.

Had a strange dream. Ha, and was woken up by Jun's sms. But yup, it was a sweet dream. =)

2009-02-11T19:20:00.003+08:00

Was caught in a heavy downpour halfway home. Went to the nearest Shell station to seek shelter. Ha. The rain pelted on my skin mercilessly. The cold winds blowing against me. Ha. Nice scenery from the station. Been a while since I've been in a rain. Remember sitting down and feel the rain hitting against me. Remember it's a good time to be when I'm down coz I don't know if it's the rainwater or something else rolling down the cheek.

Hmm...maybe this sat I would give volunteer work a miss. There's this triple chocolate mousse cake waiting for me to bake. Have to at least try out how it taste like before I do the actual one for Jen and Aiyun's bday right? Haha.

2009-02-10T22:33:00.003+08:00

Hmm...lately juz wake up feeling sapped of energy, lack of tt zest, deprived of motivation. Everyday juz seems to be a little cycle waiting for me to go through it, nothing to look forward to.

Wait, isn't that the life that has been going on for a long time?

If only results ain't that important. If only it's how hard I've tried, or the process that matters.

Sometimes it's the little little failures that keeps accumulating up that makes life starts to feel unbearable. When people starts to expect this and that. When I start to expect more from myself.

When it seems harder and harder to find a reason to smile every now and then, let alone laugh. The last time I really felt appreciated was the little kitty which I fed at the void deck. Ha. The way it's eyes stared intensely into mine when it meows after the meal. How it circle my legs and hops around. Maybe it's juz me but yup, at least it made me happy for that day.

Tml I shall juz watch the little works of nature - the rustling of the leaves, the chirping of sparrows, the moving clouds, the gentle breeze... Maybe I'm trying to hard to fill up that emptiness in my heart that I end up making an even bigger space.

Shall go sleep early. At least I hope "everything will be better after a good night's sleep" still holds. =/

2009-02-08T01:33:00.003+08:00

Back from Wakin concert. Wow, he's really the man. No wonder he's my idol. Listening to his songs since young. Simple, plain yet, it never fails to reach the depths of my heart at appropriate times. Like now. Love his witty comments. He's a natural showman. Watched him grow into fame, died down and disappeared from the scene for a while before coming back. Jacky Cheung or Andy Lau might be great but there's always something missing in their songs from Wakin.

Songs of the moment.

孤枕难眠 - 周华健

告诉我你等待的是我告诉我你不要再错过
你闪烁的眼眸彷佛有些话始终无法说出口
你快对我说别害怕没有把握

告诉我你曾失去太多告诉我你也害怕寂寞
我知道你无法去摆脱过去失败挫折的伤痛
你快对我说别让我不知所措

想着你的黑夜我想着你的容颜
反反覆覆孤枕难眠
告诉我你一样不成眠告诉我你也盼我出现

想着你的黑夜我想着你的容颜
反反覆覆孤枕难眠
告诉我你想我千百遍告诉我一切都会实现

怕黑 - 周华健

如果我说我忍住眼泪如果我说我不会后悔
在这个夜深人静的时候请不要让我如此心碎
如果我说我忍住伤悲如果我说我觉得好累
在这个夜深人静的时候我只愿能与你紧紧相依相偎

因为我会怕黑因为我无法入睡
因为我心中疲惫因为我厌倦雨打风吹
因为我会怕黑因为我觉得意冷心灰
因为我隐藏我的眼泪请不要让这一切变成不对变成不对(变成不对)

就在这样的一个夜里不要把心围上层层堡垒
就在这样的一个夜里不要说你永远无法体会
就在这样的一个夜里不要让疲倦的心再枯萎
就在这样的一个夜里就让我说一声请你给我安慰

2009-02-06T19:34:00.002+08:00

Today feels weird. Went sch, lecture, library to revise a bit and then home. Then I realise, " Hey Jh, you're lips didn't even curl upwards a little! Dude, wassup?"

Reach home, and suddenly I heard my old friend said, "Bro, get changed man! Get into your singlet, shorts and sneakers! It's been a while since we hang out at the usual place!"

And so, I went to the bball court with my buddy. Somewhat, somehow, he really made me feel safe in this crazy world. There, I don't have to think about anything else. All I need to do is juz shoot the ball into the hoops. Ha, played some pickup games with some kids there. Hmm...but ya, sprained my ankle in the first set. Nevertheless, tighten up my laces and continued for another 3 sets. Wow, never felt in such a good condition since a long time.

Yey, the pain came when I finished the game. It's kinda amazing how your mind forgets that the ankle is actually sprained during the game. Hoh. Took of my shoes and realise how screwed my ankle was when I couldn't walk straight. T.T Ouch. Went to the usual sensei and got it treated but ya...still quite painful. =/ But it's worth the pain, the session made me much happier. =)

Rdm thought: If I have to go through the pain to be happy, I would gladly accept them.

2009-02-05T10:17:00.010+08:00

040209

Met Heng and Jennifer at Bugis for Minds cafe. Went to Penisula Plaza to get my electric guitar done up coz some parts are rusty and ya, gonna start lesson again so yea. =D Maybe apart from studying, I do pick up new skills at a relatively fast speed. But guitar is fun to start with. Ok, back to Minds. Well, saw Heng and he actually "bought a guitar for himself" coz he's also gonna learn guitar in the same sch with me and my sis. Haha, actually Boon already hinted me to thx Heng for a gift I wanted so I have already kinda like...haha, but ya, juz played along so as to not spoilt the fun.

Played some games at Minds which some were...ermmm...too challenging for Jennifer but nevertheless, Heng still emerge as the ultimate loser. So ya, he still owns us a forfeit. =D After which walked to Suntec and at Fish & Co. 3 of us shared a seafood feast coz, none of us was really tt hungry to finish a full meal. The main event after which was K box at Suntec. Sunny, junurin, elaine and sunny's friend joined in eventually. Haha. Wasn't in the condition to sing coz they could tell how cui my voice was yesterday. Lol. But the singing session somewhat became a mad array of alcoholic drinks. Lol, had too many drinks but ya, hate the feeling of being tipsy yet still very conscious, with an occasional outburst of crazy no-link remarks. Hmmm...I really need a 1 time good drinking session for me to juz K.O. like jun. JUN YOU WEAK. lol.

Nevertheless, still really gotta thx Heng and Jennifer for the acoustic guitar, and for the whole day you 2 or Heng alone planned. I really did enjoy myself =) It's not everyday people actually planned something juz for me. Haha. Somewhat, I think that one of the best thing that happened to me in life is to get a job in Justed and know this wonderful bunch of colleagues/friends. You all all the ones that add colours to my life. =))

Thanks Juen for the first sms bday wishes on the start of the 5th. =))

Thanks boon for the expensive sms you sent to me from Manchester! =D Must be quite painful when you press the "send". Haha.

Thank you to all those who have tagged me on facebook =)

-----------------------

050209

Today is tiring day, having to sleep only 2 hrs after drinking down all those toxic (alcohol) and wake up for the 830 lecture. Lol. Alright, I was 15 mins late. Hmm...was practically fighting the Z-monster the whole time. When the lecture ended, decided that this isn't productive and so, went home to sleep, before waking up to meet up with my buddy kiwi for tea at Fong Seng. Born on the same year, same day, same hospital, lol, maybe even same ward. So we may have met way before when we were babies already. Haha. Great guy, he's one I can look up to for advices on love issues.

-----------------------

*last part deleted as requested by boon*

2009-02-02T05:53:00.001+08:00

Hmm...my stomach is not in the right state. Diarrhoea in the morning and now, gastric. =/

2009-02-02T03:31:00.002+08:00

So what do I really like about you?

Maybe it's the way you look or the way we click. Perhaps even it's cause you're just being nice to everyone else, including me. Or is it there's something else? Seriously, I don't know. My heart felt something different.

Love.

What about it? Something that once fallen into, controls mood and emotions of individual. I guess that if I like you, I'll do things juz to cheer you up, make you happy. Hope that you'll like me in return? Maybe a little, but I know love will eventually turn out to be another disappointing outcome. Don't worry, I'm not sad. I've only learnt to accept the facts. If I have little or no expectations in the first place, then I won't be too disappointed right? At the same time, I get to brighten up another soul in this world. This world doesn't need another person to experience the same thing.

I was waiting at that same spot for someone for too long. Now that you walked by, I'll walk behind you. Whether or not I get to walk beside you, doesn't matter. I just wanna be there for you.

2009-02-01T01:15:00.002+08:00

Feel that I'm moving in too close. It's like being suck into a black hole where the fall is accelerated as you drop deeper. Whether it's good or bad at the end, one thing is for certain - it's a path of no return.

Song of the moment: 太想爱你 - 张信哲

2009-01-31T03:42:00.002+08:00

Spending quality time in enjoying simple pleasures in life - enjoying the night breeze, listening to someone sing, feeling calm and peaceful within.... =)

2009-01-22T20:17:00.001+08:00

Saw my old dusty diary. Hmm..maybe I should revert back to writing my thoughts in there. Some things are still better left unknown and kept away in a little corner.

2009-01-22T00:30:00.001+08:00

Suddenly...I feel that all my life juz involves waiting for something that never seems to come.

2009-01-13T15:45:00.002+08:00

In Level 3 Physics Lab now...

Hmmm...juz have a feeling that I'll be spending most of my time in lab (again!) this sem. And boy is this module gonna be tough. My first experiment is already dealing with toys that I've never come across in my life. Haaha..cool, now I really feel like a physicist in training dealing with more advance experiments in physics. =DD

2nd day into the new sem and so far, the lectures have been quite interesting...at least I haven't fell asleep yet. Ha. More mathematically intensive than ever.. argg. Made my new mugger specs so I'll get into the mood for this new sem. Ha.

Hmmm...there's still something missing...=/

2009-01-04T23:55:00.005+08:00

今天，五月天唱出了我最近的心情、心声...

面对爱情，我似乎已经不再有什么信心，也没有任何期望... 可能是我，可能不是我，可能... 但我发现对我来说很重要的一些东西、举动对别人来说只不过是那么的普通不过...

听见“突然好想你”时，歌词似乎在描述我这几年努力的逃避和她的回忆...就当每一次以为已经把和她的回忆放下时，却又在人群中影影约约见到她的身影，听见她的消息...以为平静的心又紧张起来，似乎在寻找一个能藏起来的角落...

有时候，不是靠倔强或一颗恒心的恒心就能寻找到回应...我剩下能给的温柔只是悄悄地离开，还给你全部的自由...我的心，不是很完美，但要是听见了回应，它也会勇敢的豁出去珍惜、保护另一颗心...但它听见的回应似乎都是自己的错觉吧...可能自作多情真的是我的看家本领..

喜欢一个人本就该让她快乐，就算她的幸福与快乐都不是为我...

我知道我不是真正的快乐，因为我的笑中，有时是为了掩盖我心中的痛。但，漫长的时间里告诉我知足的快乐就是学会忍受心痛...

算了，也应该把感情，把我心中尚未崩壞的地方收起来，努力的去创造我的出头天...

2009-01-01T19:16:00.002+08:00

It sucks to work on the first day of the new year. Tired. Totally lack that drive to talk to people today but yup, it's the infectious energy of the kids visiting that got me hyped up. Actually it's the big appreciative smile or the "WOH" face that makes me feel that it's worth the while to do some demostrations or little magic tricks for them. My sense of satisfaction feeds on these sincere appreciative gestures. Haha. Children and animals are the most innocent creatures who really show you their true emotions. If they think that the trick is lousy or good, it's all show in their face. But most of the time I love leaving them in awe. HAha.

Oh...gotta work tml .Hope it's still tt good. =)

2009-01-01T08:49:00.003+08:00

Wrote some rubbish last night. Lucky I deleted it before anyone can hold be at ransom! Ha. Guess it must be the alcohol in the head. oO Lol.

Happy 2009 to everyone!

2008-12-29T23:57:00.002+08:00

最后，我的心仍选择了退回自己的防空洞...

2008-12-29T01:43:00.001+08:00

oO

Nothing to do at night makes the mind wonder off too much. Ha. I shall sleep earlier next time. Guess it's back to the no life way of life again.

2008-12-25T20:13:00.002+08:00

Hmmm...sucks...my flu hasn't recovered after like...2 weeks already? =/ Went out for bball juz now and boy did tt flu increased the level of fatigue-ness... Perspiring like I've been to a marathon after doing some leisure shooting for 10 mins. Slight headache following after which but that didn't really stop me from enjoying the game for 4.5 hours. Haha. Amazing.

The only one thing that never fails to settle all my confused feelings, mixed emotions, negative thoughts - basketball. Come to think about it...It should be about 13 years knowing bball. Haha. The times when I was down and it was there with me in the rain. The times when I was overwhelmed with everything, it brought me to the court when I could find peace.

The only aspect of my life that I know no matter how small it is, I can contribute to the team I'm in. Pick-and-roll, screen play, box out, rebound, assist....All the things that I can do to help the team win. Haha...a least I feel a little important. =)

_________________________

Christmas eve dinner was alright. At least I didn't "anything" my way through this time. Lol. Well... At least I wished the walk to bugis was longer. Ha. Shan't 想太多... 没有希望就没有失望...

2008-12-23T20:30:00.003+08:00

When everything isn't alright.

When the disappointment is still so great that the results I secretly hope that I do well didn't turn that way.

When everytime, the aspects of my life that I put in effort for juz keeps disappointing me.

When I started off doubting my own abilities is becoming a belief that I sux.

When everytime will not be alright after a good night's sleep.

No, nothing that I've done is ever right from the start.

2008-12-20T02:15:00.004+08:00

有时很想多聊一些，想多了解你，多知道关于你的生活点滴但，总会到一个哑口无言的局面...
今天好吗？没出去吗？明天呢？
天天的话题都围绕这几个平淡无聊的话题吧...
等待，我随时随地，无时无刻都在等待...
等着一个想和我多聊一些，想多了解我，多知道关于我的生活点滴的人...
等待一个能让我一天的疲惫都消失在她的甜蜜中的她...
包容着我无止尽的缺点，我的不浪漫，我的不完美,

我会耐心的等待，排着队拿着爱的号码牌。

2008-12-19T03:15:00.003+08:00

Guess I would only find time for myself after work. And it'll be after 11pm when I'm tired, back from work but don't wanna sleep so early coz I juz needed some time for myself. After logging out of msn, ready to sleep, thought I'll juz blog before I drift off to dreamland.

Was niao-ed by Heng about seeing me for the first time being so super indecisive and flustered while shopping for a present with him and Jennifer. Well, thx to Jen for all the tips and ideas to get a gift and Heng for all the complains about me taking too long. Haha. Alright. At least got 1 thing off my mind.

I'm thinking too much. Hah. My heart and mind likes to delude themselves into all sorts of possibilities. It's ok, at least now I've let all those random thoughts and complicated emotions settled down and yup...back to the not hoping for anything state.

Work. Juz felt tired at times having to clear the crap another new Graphic Designer done. Alright. Give it to her that she's new but 3-4 months of working there shouldn't be that crappy standard loh...I was only given 1 month to get used to all the stuffs when I first started working there. =/ Zzz...shag. working close to 12hrs on average there and think I'm gonna K.O-ed soon with the work that keeps piling up. T_T

Rumblings rumblings. Grumble grumble.

2008-12-17T00:45:00.002+08:00

Wondering if I'm getting weak or am I getting weak. The stupid flu has been bugging me for days...getting better then worse then better then...like a sine curve. Wheezing till I have a headache today. So many things to complete that...damn...think I gonna work OT on thurs and fri liao. =/ Tired.

So many times I've given lotsa effort and energy but yield no results, be it in any aspect of my life. Don't know, maybe I've learnt to not hope for any results coz I won't be disappointed if nothing happens. Perhaps I'm still too naive in viewing this world.

Wonder if it's going to be the same this time around.

2008-12-10T20:33:00.002+08:00

Things I'm proud of myself today.

Back to Sci centre. Haha, today the kids demostrated how much they love me by sneaking up and jumping all over me. Haha. It's fun, to play and share new things with them, get them interested and going in Science and fun. Learned a couple of card tricks from 2 pro card magicians. Well, they're actually visitors but they're juz showing us a hell lot of good tricks. Haha. Think they're gonna be recruited to show card tricks to the visitors.

Managed to run about 8-10km today. Haha. Well, for someone who hasn't been running much, it's a feat, so I'm quite proud of myself. =D Long distance running is really a lot more psychological (and physical too..) coz the body keeps shouting for me to stop with the aches in the leg, the waist, a hard time breathing initially...but the mind just keeps pushing the body along and after a while, hey, things starts to get a little easier. Well...like I told jun and fu, we should start training coz next year, I'm gonna own the T-shirt of "Finisher of 42.126km" of Standard Charter Marathon.

Was thinking of a few things while running. A lot of things in life is like running long distance. Along the way, there's lotsa factors that's tempting me to give up, to turn back and to give in but, many times if I juz push on, I'll finally reach the end point. Even if I know that the timing isn't good, at least I can say "Hey, that's the best you can do now. Try harder next time!" Yea.

An aquarian never knows when to quit.

2008-12-10T00:19:00.002+08:00

Juz worked 14 hours today. Wow...not bad another record for me. Didn't manage to finish all the stuffs to be done so ya..gonna find time to go back and finish them. Thx to Jennifer and Heng who knocked off @ 9pm but stayed back to accompany me by playing risk themselves. Lol, suay Heng was thrashed by Jen. Haha.

Work. Sometimes I wonder why am I even like working so much? Working to fill up my time coz I know I'll be wasting time away at home anyway? Working coz there's responsibility in completing the tasks at hand and easing everyone's workload? Working so that I don't have time to wonder abot stuffs?

Realised I like to talk big and talk crap (at times) but that's really to hide that deflated ego of mine from all those big defeats (tt I consider so) in life. Deflated ego, hurted pride and broken heart. Time didn't really heal anything, I realised. Time only managed to build a false sense of security but yet, nothing is fixed. Well...it's time to get back on my feet slowly again. I've been sitting on that same spot for too long.

2008-12-09T01:57:00.001+08:00

Hmmm...a part of me is resisting, refusing to let go. How to move on like this?

2008-12-07T13:49:00.001+08:00

Jh is K.O-ed.

2008-12-02T23:10:00.003+08:00

Hmmm been working for 2 days at Science Centre already. All I can say that it's a tiring, non-stop talking but rewarding job. Oh ya, catch me on the new Octo channel ba...you might juz see me on TV. Lol.

Sometimes it's about the interest in Science in their eyes that rewards me. I practically taught this K1 kiddo all the basic stuffs about magnets to magnetic field to magnetic attraction which I think that he practically do not understand much of it...but..when he ask why with that tightly-knitted eyebrows and looked at into my eyes with full of curiosity about how things work, how could I not share with him what I know?

Wondering if I should be a teacher...seriously. Lol. The other exhibition guide was like telling me that I have natural showmanship. But seriously, I love interacting with the visitors them, at least they laugh at my jokes, get impressed with me "magical abilities" and appreciates what I do for them.

Hmm...seriously having a sorethroat at the end of the day....argg..still have to sing K tml nite and thurs...how...? =/

Don't know what to talk with her also. Seems like everytime the conversation will drop dead somewhere. Maybe...that's the way things would be...nothing at all. =/

2008-11-28T21:04:00.001+08:00

Cattell's 16 Factor Test Results

Warmth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Intellect	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Emotional Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Aggressiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	26%
Liveliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Dutifulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Social Assertiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Sensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Abstractness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Introversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Openmindedness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Independence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Perfectionism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%
Tension	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%

Take Cattell 16 Factor Test (similar to 16pf)
personality tests by similarminds.com

2008-11-28T20:47:00.002+08:00

『One 华健世界巡回演唱会/新加坡』

DATE
7 Feb 2009
Sat, 7.30pm
National Indoor Stadium

Yey, my first (and still) idol is coming back! Missed it in 2007 (coz of the stupid OC) and yea, tot I'm gonna regret not having gone to his concert for once. Alright. Don't think anyone's goning coz people are like "sorry not me era" with me. Whatever. Ha. Going to high on my own. =DDD

2008-11-27T22:03:00.003+08:00

Hmmm...visiting ZR's blog and that ass never updates..always see that letter to B which B is...ya. Ha.

How true is that...if I have a chance I think that going back to those OCS days would be great where each day there's really nothing much to worry about but what time we're going to book out during weekend, if we're gonna get gold for the IPPT, how to slack during the 15km run, G-group gathering at my room, doing our stupid pass it down dance moves from Joshua during stand by area, watching each other screaming like a pussy when there are leeches stuck on us, when maggi mee and hot ration pack never tasted so good out in the cold jungle, when the whole platoon cheered for the last 2 guys finally got their gold, when me and ZR should have been roommates instead coz we bitch and emo-ed abt almost anything from officers to training, when I seriously wondered how did I ever manage to mix into ZR and Kenneth's world of atas-ness.

Maybe it's just that during those tough times you got this clown buddy dying with you and the will to overcome it together juz seem stronger. This kinda bond's never gonna be found anywhere else. Sad. Dying out in uni but ha. Seems like I'm the only one really dying out from studies alone. Lol, how loser can that get, no other committments still get so loserly grades.

Somebody save me.

2008-11-26T15:53:00.004+08:00

In case you don't get it, it's a wave and a particle. The wave-particle duality...=/ Damn...I'm getting cranky to post this cartoon..

I know I'm taking QM but there's gonna be a HUGE uncertainty in the marks. Zzzz. Lol. For the first time, I felt that there isn't enough time for the Physics paper (when usually I would have too much time to spare coz there's juz so many problems I can't solve). The question looks harmless manageable but yet when I got down to work on it, the intermediate steps are juz... Forgotten to include one chap in my help sheet and DAMN, there's like 3 Qns (out of 9) on it. Totally. Luckily still remembered bits and pieces from the note I read and managed to piece together a rather "convincing-looking" proof. Zzz.

Fuzzy fuzzy... Imagine I have to take another Level 3000 and 4000 QM...goner...

2008-11-25T22:15:00.003+08:00

Sitting in front of the com, waiting for my hair to dry before I sleep, the brain still contracting and relaxing aka headache, equations floating around but none seems to make sense, a help sheet waiting to be written for tml's test...

--------

Ha. Seems like I'm in for SEP this year. No matter how much the heart desires, it's useless when it's chained up and locked away in the past. And the key's lost somewhere. =/ Sux when the brain and the heart are both drained.

2008-11-25T14:42:00.002+08:00

Cool... Blogging from my phone. Lol.

Hmmm... Damn. Working through the QM mid term test 2 and realized that it's actually quite manageable and.......simple. Sux. Complicated... Still can't really grasp the concept well coz it's really mathematical (something which I really sux at...) hmmm gotta prepare this super potent help sheet in tml or my marks will be real impotent. Haha.

Dang. A part of me wants it but another part is too afraid to go for it. Don't know... Think about it after exams ba...

2008-11-20T18:42:00.002+08:00

Hmmm...studying these few days on juz 1 module and I'm juz like only 3-4 chapters done? Another 4-5 more to go ba. Was trying to figure out the last part of the equation along the way in the term paper. Hmmm...met me term paper partner and juz felt that...ya. Maybe I should have kept my stand of working alone at the start of the sem. Worked through the paper all by myself and ya, it became our work now. If he managed to solve the last equation I would have felt better but ya, so be it. HMmm...loving the feeling of having a splitting headace after mugging for a couple of hours coz that means I'm really using my brain. (weird theory) Understood quite a lot of stuffs while searching for all the sources to do my term paper and studying E&M at the same time. The beauty of learning is when you start to see different concepts starting to link to form a whole picture. Although the finals are really closing, couldn't feel myself panicking or what. Juz reading and working through the stuffs at my own pace. Maybe it's not about squeezing all the things in that given amount of time but thoroughly understanding it and keeping it for life. Or maybe I juz secretly know that I'll still be "owned" by the exam paper no matter how hard I try. Lol.

__________________________________________________

Forever love...forever love...我只想用我这一辈子去爱你...

The lack of that "feeling"... Jun did mention juz now - So who am I thinking of when singing this song? Hmmm...good question. No one? There's no one whom I really feel so much for to wanna spend forever with now, or maybe it juz that I'm not certain of the person whom I wanna spend forever with. Searching for that person to touch my heart and haha. Maybe. Maybe...

但可能爱情给我的体会是...

你不在,当我最需要爱...你却不在.. 无尽等待像独白的难挨...你不在,高兴还是悲哀... 你都不在...我受了伤在偷偷好起来...但你不在...

2008-11-16T06:45:00.019+08:00

Tagged by: Chupa
a) Answer the questions below, do a Google Image search with your answer, take a picture from the first page of results, and do it with minimal words of explanation.
b) Tag 5 other people to do the same once you’ve finished answering every question.

Great. I must be so damn bored 6.45am @ NTU that I'm actually doing this.

1. The age you’ll be on your next birthday:

Dunk it, baby!

2. A place you’d like to travel to:

Switzerland's the place! Hope I get the application for the summer programme and I'll be going to Switzerland!! =DD

3. Your favourite place:

The one place where I feel at ease at, where my troubles go away for a while.

4. Your favourite food:

Ooooo...love prawns. Love the steam drunken prawns my mum whips up! =D

5. Your favourite pet:

No doubt, it must be the Retriever! Haha, big friendly dog which never fails to amaze me whenever I see one. Small dogs are too noisy.

6. Your favourite colour combination:

Always had a liking for grey. The neutral colour, juz like there's nothing definite in this world. No definite black or white, but everything is in shades of grey.

7. Your favourite piece of clothing:

Anything casual and comfortable.

8. Your favourite TV show:

Don't really watch TV yea, but Smallville is a series that I've watched since season 1. Haha. I like it so juz shut up jun.

9. First name of your significant other:

Errmmm...next time when I have one. =/

10. The town in which you live in:

If you can see the small sign board that says "Choa Chu Kang Village". Haha.

11. Your first job:

The days in Kutsasu....1 month OT and the record breaking 500++ motor cores produced a day (sololy by yours sincerely who operated 4 machines on his own X_X)

12. Your dream job:

Research in Astrophysics. There's still so many wonders out there in space waiting to be explored!

13. A bad habit that you have:

I realised that I could get A LOT MORE work done if I slept less...zzz...

14. Your worst fear:

You get the idea.

15. What you would like to do before you die:

A Nobel Prize for Physics would be great but...I think more realistically...

Juz wanna walk along the beach with that significant other. Haha.

And now, I tag: I'll juz tag a couple of people who's likely to response. Hah. Maybe Seng, Jolin, Su Juen, Zherui, Kenneth. Yea.

2008-11-10T21:02:00.001+08:00

Defeat after defeat has made thy soul weary.

2008-11-05T17:49:00.002+08:00

Still in physics lab...zzz

Had viva with the prof on Rutherford Scattering. Ha. Felt good coz I managed to answer a few questions he asked which he commented that only a few knew the answer from all that he tested. Boy tt boosted my ego.

Tried studying Quantum Mechanics but seems like the fuzziness got into my head and yea, everything's a blur. Tried doing the Term Paper but I'm still stuck at the first equation, far from the actual disk paradox. At least all my lab reports are done and 1 more viva + presentation to go before wrapping up this module.

Over exerting my small brain capacity each day. Huge headache at the end of the day, rendering me useless practically by the time I reach home at around 7. Sleep is such a wonderful way of rejuvernating the lost brain juice but yet, it's also a luxury that I cannot seem to afford now. Starting 1 month before the finals too seems to be insufficient. =/

Tired. Think I should go for some coffee at westmall to relax.

2008-11-02T23:32:00.003+08:00

Supposed to play bball at NUS but ya, the sky's dark and didn't went. Yet it turned out that it's juz a slight drizzle and everything's dry after tt. Went down to the court nearby to shoot a while and managed to play some pickup games. Cool, as usual, played the low post coz my shooting is cui-ed to the max. Getting rebounds and ya. Lovin' it when I juz jump and tip the ball and jump and tip till I got the rebound. Lovin' it when my teammate did a fake 3pt-er and I alley-ed the ball it. Lovin' it when I executed a nice pick and roll. Lovin' it when the whole team's involved to get some nice moves out. Lovin' it when in the midst of the competition there's smiles and laughters. Lovin' it when playing bball is enjoyable.

How long has it been when the court is the place where I seek peace and serenity. I nid to get back the old habit of juz me and my bball. =)

2008-11-02T18:19:00.003+08:00

On times when I seriously think I've made a wrong decision...

Wondering if studying Physics was indeed a wrong decision that I sturbornly insisted on being not. Listening to people around me (Physics majors) seriously discussing about changing majors. Spend endless nights trying to understand a miserable chapter and studying for a test which in the end, couldn't even complete even 1 of the 3 questions. End up working alone for the Journal paper coz my partner decided to pang seh me last minute and take the test instead. Staring at endless vector algebras and mathematical equations and not seems to make sense. Realising how small, how lack of knowledge I could be. When my brain doesn't click stuffs together to form a whole picture that others see. When my brain doesn't retain what I've tried to study.

Yet, the curiosity to know more and more about the strange and new things. The satisfaction when I finally solved the first of the many equations in the term paper for almost half a day. When things starts to fall in place when I realise that there's the other given condition. When I realise that there are questions that I've had even the prof couldn't explain why.

I don't know. The ups and downs. Maybe I ain't smart but perhaps my major ain't the easiest one around either. I should juz shut my ears to people who're complaining about their CAP dropping to 4.5 or not getting A+. I'm juz an ordinary kid trying to do something that he likes.

2008-10-27T16:06:00.002+08:00

真的, 我沒事 I'll be fine - ADRIAN FU

真的, 我沒事 I'll be fine - ADRIAN FU

Hot Sot OST
coded by: a-lyrics

On and on, the pain goes on
And it wouldn't just wouldn't die
我竟远比想像中软弱旦无能为力
对你的眼神选择了逃避恨自己恨自己
On and on, the pain lives on
It's hurting so much more
就让我被悔不当初的罪恶吞去
惩罚过后能否带来解脱 I'll be fine I'll be fine
So many cried, listening to God
让坚强不只是种伪装
So many lies, listening to you
天亮后 I will be fine
On and on, the pain goes on and
I just don't know how to cope
伸手抱住自己是否就能够不再空虚
最后信念别放弃 I will be fine I will be fine
So many cries, listening to you 希望你能再给我力量
So many lies, listening to you什么时候 I will be fine

当我再也不对任何事期待只剩下你只剩下你
有天当我舍弃一切见你请你要微笑不语
So many cries, listening to you希望你能再给我力量
So many lies, listening to you什么时候 I will be fine

2008-10-21T19:38:00.003+08:00

Alright I was bored. Saw this somewhere and ya, why not do it? As for the tag part, I'll juz leave it to whoever who wanna do it. Haha.

1. Put your iTunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!4.

Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the game as well as the person you got the note from.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?

Listen to my Heart - Boa
Well if you wanna know whether it’s OK or not, you gotta really listen to what my heart says, not the words that come out from my mouth. Coz I might be just trying to be polite.

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?

Let's Make Tonight Special -Westlife
Hmmm...I'm sure I would like everynight to be a special one for me. Borrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeedddddddd of the dull life. Need something exciting to happen. Haha. *winks*

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?

心中无别人 - 五月天
Haha. Cool. Off course, I would love if she's committed to the person whom she loved - me. Haha. It's alright to look at handsome guys but so long as I'm the only one in her heart.

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?

爱如潮水 - 张信哲
Errr...how am I going to link this? Lol. Today was great but ya, everyday I would wish I would be more decisive like the current and love you more. Haha. So is this how it should goes?

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?

Any other World - Mika
Wahaha, cool, I never really listened to this song much. Must be one that Jun sent me. Any other world...maybe it could be like I love to find out more about whether if there's new or exciting things out there. To know more things is what I wanted life to be (and not be tested on them).

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?

That's when I'll stop loving you - N'sync
When winter comes and summer, when there's no more forever, when lies become the truth, that's when I'll stop loving, that's when I'll stop loving you.

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?

Complicated - Avril Lavigne
You think so?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?

Prescence of the Lord - Eric Clapton
Oo, from Clapton Track. Errr...maybe to me they're like the "divine beings"? Lol, c'mon they're my parents ah, I'll treat them with the holiness that they deserve. Haha. =D

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?

Fly Like an Eagle - ???
Hmmm...it's a track from "Space Jam". Wow... that's like eons years ago. The looney toons and Jordan and stuffs. Haha. It's really cool to be able to fly like MJ and do some breath taking and gravity defying dunks. Yea...dunking...I've been thinking of that since sec 1. Damn. I can only still touch the rim.

WHAT IS 2+2?

Mundian To Back Ke - Manjabi MC
Ministry of Sound track...must be a typical ZR song. HAha. So it's Tamil. And it's suppose to be...like I would know. Maybe that's what maths is to me now...Tamil.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?

Bizarre Love Triangle - New Order
OH MY F*****G S***. HAha. What the hell is that suppose to mean? I'm turning gay?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?

我的爱 - 孙燕姿
Phew...something decent. Hmm...I really don't know about the person I like. Coz I don't really know what my heart feels anymore..

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?

Girl in Your Dreams - M2M
Maybe my life till now is still waiting for the girl in my dreams. Haha. Or maybe she's juz a dream after all.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?

How to save a Life - The Fray
Hmmm....to be able save lives? Not just people's life but animal's lives, living things, Mother Earth. Maybe I'll start by saving my own.

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?

Sweet dreams are made of this - Annie Lennox
Another Jun's song. Haha but the title is 贴切. Haha. Sweet dreams are made of Her. =)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?

翅膀 - 林俊杰
Hmm...does this implies that I'll be their wings when they're old? I'll take care of them. =)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?

After Midnight - Eric Clapton
HAha. That's quite a catchy song there, nice retro dancing song. Haha. But you want me dance? After midnight.

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?

Inconsolable - Backstreet Boys
Woots. I'm sure you guys will be but smile at my funeral eh? I sure don't wanna see people cry.

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?

看我 72 变 - 蔡依林
Haha, I like to action baydeh. Maybe I have 72 expressions ba. Lol. =X

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?

龙拳 - 周杰伦
Alright..I gotta admit. I'm the descendent of the ancient dragons in human form, only left with the lost martial art - The Legendary Dragon Fist. No I can't show you. If I do, it ain't lost anymore.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?

Venus - Bananarama
Hmm...Bet seng and jun loved this song. It's a clubbing song. Maybe it's juz that my friends are the funky bunch.

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?

Last Christmas - Savage Garden
Hmmm....it ain't that bad. At least I don't have to sulk while all the couples go out and celebrate. Haha.

HOW WILL YOU DIE?

Regret - New Order
Wtf. I'll die in regret...that means...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?

You Had a Bad Day - Daniel Powter
Yup, it kinda sux having a bad day and in link with the previous question, IT SUXS TO DIE IN A BAD DAY. You talk about it.

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?

one two three four - feist
Hmmm...never heard this song before. But sounds like a....cheesy song. Ha. Enough to make me laugh. Hahaa.

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?

Hello Old Friend - Eric Clapton
Maybe if you're a long lost good old friend who appear at my deathbed, I'll cry.

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?

It's gonna be me - N'sync
Who?

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?

四面楚歌 - 周杰伦
Err....I'm out of words.

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?

Revolution - F.I.R.
If I spin fast enough, perhaps someone will. Don't get it? Revolution, frequency, spin, blah blah...nvm.

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?

知足 - 五月天
I used to wish that I go back and change some of the things and maybe I'll be happier now, maybe I would still be with V. But if I did, maybe lotsa things would not have been the way they were now. I should juz be contented with things now. Nothing needs to be changed, maybe except me.

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?

爱情 36 计 - 蔡依林
Hmm...when love seems more like a strategy game than..love. All the planning, schemes blah blah blah. Headache, heartache.

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?

很想说 - 李圣杰
Haha.. I simply would love to tell you all these things about me. Lol.

2008-10-18T20:56:00.002+08:00

Life is short and yet there's so many things to accomplish. I guess if we're always afraid to try, there in the end we'll really get nothing done. I gotta admit that I may not have given my best in the things I do but at least I do try. Why bother about the social norms or whatever crap reasons there may be? As long as it does no evil, why not try? One thing that I've learnt from living till now is that juz by sitting there thinking yield neither positive nor negative results, and another thing is negative results may not necessary be no good coz there's always a learning experience to it. Well, 人各有志... it's still up to each to live their own life.

2008-10-15T22:13:00.004+08:00

Had quite a little sms conversation with her today. Maybe was juz glad that I got to know more about her, what's going on. Sometimes the more I know, the more I seems to have fallen deeper but yet, my rational mind juz keeps me at bay. Age is not of the matter, like Jun used to say. I never really believed it till maybe when I realise that the right one could have already appeared? Yet, knowing that there's another man walking into her life...makes me even more rational. Maybe she's the only woman who thinks that I'm a great guy while many other thinks otherwise. Or maybe they're juz polite comments. Maybe it because she appreciates the cakes that I've made. Maybe it because I could talk so freely and with ease with her face to face. Maybe it's juz all the little things about her that makes her special. Maybe. 爱你不是因为你的美而已... If she gets married, and if she don't mind, I'll really go sing "Forever Love" for her during her wedding. Hah.. Sometimes I really wonder what's wrong with me. My heart feels for the wrong person all the time. And sometimes it's frustrating to know that and yet still feel for that someone. Perhaps I'm juz disillusioned. The relationship with V still haunts me till now. Knowing that in the world of love effort, hard work, all the things dun really matter except feeling. Trusting so much in exchange for a sorry. Knowing that I've given up all my pride in exchange for another chance. Knowing that it's 4 years and counting. Knowing that I juz need someone to make me trust again. Knowing that all I hope that she'll gently come by and quietly sit by me and be there with me for the rest of my journey. I don't need big surprises but someone to be there. Time. Time didn't heal the wounds. It made me accept that they're part of my life. It makes my heart fragile and my defense stronger. It makes me weak. Right now, I guess I'll still...not do anything ba. Haha.. She'll be my good friend and I juz make sure that she's fine and happy. Hope..she finds her happiness soon...

2008-10-08T23:26:00.002+08:00

Quite sian today. Sian. Low. Depressed. Zzzz. Juz say that it's a negative feeling that makes me feel un-motivated, sapped of energy, irritable, moody, etc. The only nice thing was the nice cooling atmosphere after a heavy downpour.

Feel like going to the beach and enjoy some sea breeze but kinda lazy to travel all the way down to ECP or PRP.. zz.

I'm juz pissed. Never mind me.

2008-10-05T01:49:00.001+08:00

Juz an average man, with an average dream. Juz wishing that my life would be more meaningful.

2008-10-02T22:50:00.002+08:00

理想情人

一直以为我所喜欢的是长发飘逸的女生，但当时间慢慢的在我心上留下痕迹时，我发现原来我只是认为长发的女生通常是接近我喜欢的那一类...

成熟中带点天真与调皮...不被这社会夺去那一份纯真..

可能已经出现在我的生命里了..但我想我只能默默地让她开心，静静地把这份爱意收藏在心深处...

2008-09-28T23:21:00.002+08:00

At the eleventh hour...trying to finish up draft 2 of my philo paper and after which, gotta finish mugging the quantum mechanics test tml morning.

I guess the main reason I tried hard to oppress the feeling of falling in love is because of all the things I see around me. Marriage fall out of place, couples breaking up, singles get emo for trying to fall in love and many more.

It's weird to see ur own buddy getting emo-ed over love and trying to help just seems to complicate things more. And not helping seems wrong. And helping makes things worse. And not helping.... zzz. Tired of all these stuffs. Love is complicated and confusing and can-nah-sai.

Maybe the furthest I'll ever go is juz do lotsa little stuffs for the person I really feel for but I'll never ever tell her how I feel. Just be really good friends coz as long as I know that she's happy and fine, that's all that matters to me.

Sometimes we only know how to treasure when we've lost something but then, we're too afraid to hold something again because we know that we might still lose it even if we treasure it with all our heart.

2008-09-28T02:19:00.002+08:00

Just came back from NUSSU appreciation dinner @ Orchard Hotel. Kinda concluded that social functions ain't my cup of tea. Maybe it's coz I don't really know many people there and yea, juz doesn't feel belonged there. If I could, I would have stealthly disappear. The ironical thing is I'm listening to "Wonderful Tonight" now by Eric Clapton. Ha.

Doesn't feel belonged in many places. Not really atas, don't have the talking formalities, don't speak gentlemen, don't do formal. Ha. Guess that's me.

Hoping to get the summer programme I wanted, but it's not one of NUS partner I guess. Wanna get away from Singapore and somewhere far to experience life and to get away from here.

2008-09-26T13:22:00.002+08:00

Woke up from a crazy series of dreams and had a splitting headache after that. The only one what I had a vague idea of was somewhat like a date with ******. Oh man. That was like...strange. =x

2008-09-24T00:53:00.002+08:00

I hate the waiting feeling.

Always seems to be an empty wait.

2008-09-22T23:42:00.002+08:00

Solitude or selfishness?

Though I would occasionally longed to be in a relationship with someone, the freedom I'm having now is still too much a trade off for it. Maybe coz I know if I ever get a gf, I'll spend so much energy and time (and money) on her that I'll practically leave the bare minimum for myself, which is gonna tire me out. So, I guess I'll still be selfish and value my freedom more.

Call me ungentlemanly or assh*** but I still don't feel too comfortable hanging around females. (with exception of a few) Jh's internal circuitry will go hay-wire and he'll act weirdly when hanging around females for prolong time. It's like getting cancerous cells with prolong exposure to radiation. Ha. Watever.

Alright. Seems like I'm in for the year end SEP. =/

2008-09-19T18:11:00.004+08:00

Hmmm...feeling a little weird? Hah. Suddenly the female social circle of mine is expanding recently. Juz from like all over the place? Knowing people from the net, sch, outside, etc. Don't know, suddenly also don't know how I should be like among females.

Yet, there's this person whom makes me look forward to checking mail at the end of the day, to see if there's any mail from her. Never seen her in person before nor really have her contacts but it's like she one of the few females I feel comfortable talking to. Hah. Maybe it's coz I've never met her and know most probably I won't makes it "safer" to talk more private stuffs. Ha.

I've got a tingle in my vein, and I'm not sure if my heart still knows the way.

I still can't forget how you tore my heart apart. It's hard holding you, loving you and losing you. Although it's been a really long time ago, I guess my heart is still right there, at the same place you left for someone better. Sometimes time juz made everytime seems alright by numbing all the senses.

2008-09-13T11:41:00.002+08:00

On random-ness.

Was having a discussion with ck on random-ness during Philo lect coz of some quote from Einstein's "God does not play dice" thingy was flashed in the slides.

I really believed that random-ness occurred because of our lack of understanding and knowledge to handle and deal with the situation. Take random error during experiments for example, they happen because we don't have a complete control of the experimental setup. We don't know whether the flucuating environmental temperature, the vibration of the atoms or some other phenomena is happening that's going to contribute to the end result of the experiment. If we know what's the problem, then we can eliminate these discrepencies and keep the experiment "free of random-ness".

Juz like tossing a coin. Probability will tell you that this is a totally random event and given a large number of trials, the chances for a head or tail will be roughly close to 50% each. However, if I tell you that I'll now remove the random factor in the tossing of the coin. I'll use a machine to flip the coin in the same angle, at the same amount of force, keep in under a constant gravitational force (provided that I can do it) and do the experiment in vacuum, can I safely conclude that I'll always get the same result? Most probably if the above conditions are the only random variables present.

With this, ck posted a very interesting question - So, does that mean that one can then predict the sequences of events into the future?

Logically, it should be a yes. We can really predict the future by considering all the variables affecting the outcome of the immediate future to come up with multiple (an understatement where it should be close to infinite) consequences and then repeat the step again to get more and more branches of the future. However, it'll be so damn complex that I think the most advanced computer will be fried @ before reaching the 10th branch.

Another interesting aspect on the intensive usage of the idea of randomness/probability should Quantum Mechanics. Almost everything about QM is about the probability of this happening, that happening and never really definite, unlike Classical Mechanics (kinematics for instance). I feel that it's just that we haven't really grasp the hidden knowledge in this field yet and that's why, we are unable to be exact.

So is this world really operating on a set of mechanics that's waiting for us to discover or just full of uncertainty where we cannot really pinpoint what's going to happen next without considering the probabilty? Who knows?